Blu

Constant Craving

There are days that go by when at times I am not affected. But those days are few. Most of the time I am longing.

You still invade my slumber, making me question if a dream is really reality. I long for you. I crave you.

I know full well if we were in the same place, I would be unable to resist you. Fortunately, we are so far away, avoiding an uncomfortable situation.

So we continue to periodically check in - update each other on our lives. Rely on each others infinite wisdom, guiding our separate places of being, when we both know that we wish, or at least I wish, we were making choices together.

And then, I suddenly think that I cannot stomach you. I resist you. Push you away. Because I have a life here of my own choice. And you are not a part of that.

You will always be a part of my life. My existence. Me. In that, I should be content.

But I am not.

posted by Blu @ 2:59 PM 1 comments

Blog Games - I've been tagged again

And that happened in April. I suck at maintaining my site.

RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag three people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

1. My hair is so fine, I fear I will have three hairs on my head when I am 80.
2. The chatter never stops in my head
3. I am either "on" doing a million things at once - a whirlwind, Tazmanian devil, or I am "off" comatose. There is no in between
4. When I went to my 20 year high school reunion, I was full of joy seeing that the seriously popular crowd peaked at 18, while us late bloomers are in our prime and looking good.
5. I cry at random things. Sure, commercials, movies scenes are the norm. But there is nothing like seeing a random act of kindness in public - it makes me cry. Or when I realize that I may never see someone again. Or the face of a mother looking at her child in wonderment. Seriously, I am boo-hooing all the time.
6. I am a coffee snob
7. I am a food snob too
8. I am a control-freak

posted by Blu @ 1:02 PM 1 comments

Morning Routine

I now officially telecommute. When I went back to my old job in February after my brief sabbatical, I was able to negotiate that due to the hours I must keep to meet with my counterparts across the pond, it is silly for me to drive into the office.

My day starts at 5am. I love it as the house is absolutely quiet. Even the dog is sound asleep. At 6:30, I wander upstairs to wake Mr. Blu. He in turn, then wakes Primo and Secundo.

I am the silent observer to the morning routine. Coffee officially delivered by Mr. Blu (oh, I love him so!), I answer emails and deal with this and that. I cannot write copy until the boys are on their way to school. The distraction is too much. Much too loved that is.

I hear them giggle. I hear them tell each other stories, sitting at the counter eating their breakfast when they think they are alone. I hear them wander off to get dressed. Primo, will suddenly play the piano, practicing one of his latest songs assigned to him by his lovely piano teacher. Secundo will burst out into song.

Eventually they will wander into my office to see what I am doing. Primo reads my copy - the born editor he is. Secundo wonders if I have a conference call scheduled right now because he is not sure he can keep himself quiet. Suddenly, Mr. Blu shouts out that it is time to get in the car to go to school. I am the recipient of sloppy kisses and warm hugs, both telling me to have a good day, "write lots", and don't forget to bring a snack when you pick us up at school. The sounds they both make as they scramble to get out the door rises to a feverish pitch and then suddenly there is silence. Absolute silence.

The silence unsettles me for a bit. And then I waft off into the land of writing (on a good day) or hours of endless conference calls on a bad day, trying to decipher Spanish and British accents over Skype.

posted by Blu @ 2:58 PM 3 comments

Kimmah and her lists

And who doesn't love a list?

1. Are you a righty or a lefty?

Righty

2. What is your official job title.

Marketing Communications Director

3. You can only watch one show---there are limitless episodes. What do you pick?

Well, it would have to be resurrected from the dead: Six Feet Under

4. What color eyeshadow do you wear most often?

Charcoal grey or beige

5. Describe your current favorite outfit.

Brown J Crew cords and a black turtleneck sweater

6. What color is your kitchen?

Smurf blue countertops. Absolutely hideous.

7. Who was your first kiss and what was the situation?

Junior high school dance. Made out with total stoner named Darren on the dance floor. I think he is now in jail.

8. Who is the smartest person you know online?

How can I pick just one?

9. Why do you not have a myspace if you don't have one? When are you going to get one? If you DO have one--how long have you had it?

I do not have one. I tend to want to believe that I am too old, but actually I am too lazy to maintain a myspace page.

10. Who is the most annoying famous person?

Again, just one? Paris Hilton. Tom Cruise. Ann Coulter. Bill O'Reilly. Nancy Grace. GWB.

posted by Blu @ 9:48 AM 3 comments

Self and Selfishness

My disdain for what I see in many, is what attracts me to most. I can't be bothered with the syrupy souls who will give their shirt off their backs whilst humming "Whistle While You Work", oblivious to the chaos of life around them.

It is this push-pull that is addicting. I snicker at those whom I believe are uninformed and can't hold an intelligent conversation. I crave the cynics, yet, if they hit too close to home, I find them unworthy of my time.

I am finding it harder and harder to discover those who are willing to go into the uncomfortable space in conversation, delving into the unknown and exposing their confusion. Idle chatter only feeds me for a brief time.

Yet, sometimes I am too tired to go beyond the mundane. It can be easier to talk about celebrities and fine wine.

For those friends that put up with my intensity, bless you for we are alike. And for those who shrink away, I do understand.

posted by Blu @ 10:03 AM 2 comments

Relax, Don't Do It.

This post is long overdue - my annual Christmas rant. You all thought that the title of my post had to do with my potential job offer. Well no. But to satisfy your curiosity, I got the offer yesterday, accepted said offer, and will turn in my resignation on Monday (after I back up all content from my work laptop "just in case").

The Christmas season is almost over. What you say? It is January 4th? The season is over. No it is not. It is not over until all the little cherubs are back in school and a collective sigh, or "Thank God" is heard across the land. Kiddos head back on January 7th. Therefore, we are not there yet.

Christmases of past used to become the "how to wear out the Blu family by the 26th" event. When we lived in San Francisco, Mr. Blu and I would fly home for 2 weeks to be with our families. We would split time between my parents, his parents, his sister, and all of our friends and ultimately someone, somewhere in the mix would feel slighted as they did not receive enough time with us. Of course we would become stressed and then take it out on each other. By the time the 26th rolled around, we would be full of bitterness and contempt.

Once we moved back to Portland for good, we figured that Christmas would be easy. Not so. My parents moved to Central Oregon which required a 3 hour drive, an hour of which is in snow. Each set of parents kept score as to how much time we spent with the other and would sulk if the other had one minute more. We freakin' hated the Christmas Road Tour of Oregon.

But, one day, I found myself pregnant and HA! Now I could demand that Christmas is at my house! Great! My parents would drive out, but then would be upset because my sister-in-law would not invite them to the Christmas Eve bash at her home (as if 2 more humans in a crowd of 50 would really make a difference). So Mr. Blu would feel torn, and I would have to soothe my parents wounded feelings (whatever) while secretly cursing my SIL behind her back.

Now the Blu family becomes 4. Christmas Eve drama is still not worked out, but expected. I suddenly think that I, a working professional, mother of two, wife of 1, should suddenly become Martha Stewart (but without her bank account) and make every flipping christmas type food from appetizers to extravagant desserts by scratch. Yes, the food was marvelous, but the cook would be tired and pissed off, and ultimately become the Christmas Bitch.

Presents - I don't think the three wise men meant to throw humans into consumer debt over the holidays. Dear God. I have watched many a family that I know either have limited funds or have claimed bankruptcy in the past, totally shower their loved ones (mainly kids) with serious electronic gadgets that are insanely expensive. I see the crap stuffed in carts at stores for decorating the homes that costs way too much and wonder...why? Why does anyone need $300 worth of plastic Christmas crap to clutter their lawn (I am talking to YOU across the street neighbor).

And I too, being so self-righteous, find myself sucked in by the seduction of spending and giving. "Oh, the boys would love that!" I say, only to find that I end up with an embarassing amount of presents for the boys.

Or, better yet, receiving gifts from relatives that don't really know you well enough to buy something appropriate, but feel they should. My dear cousin, who is more like a brother to me, and I would in the past, prior to his marriage, exchange CDs of our own creation (mixed music that we loved over the years) or a great cookbook as we both love to cook (we are deadly fantastic in the kitchen together). But then he messed it all up by getting married 6 years ago to a woman that for some reason thinks that I love all Disney items. I hate Disney. Don't get me wrong, I have watched most, if not all Disney movies and have been and will go to again to Disneyland. I just don't like Disney merchandise. Never will you see me in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt or on a Disneyland Cruise. But blessherheart(tm), Mrs. Cousin believes that I covet Mickey Mouse waffle makers, Mickey Mouse cookie makers, and Mickey Mouse jello molds.

Last year I made a decision to simplify. But the simplification that came forth is that I came down with the worst flu I ever had (seriously). So bad that I literally slept for 5 days straight (only to wake due to pain in my head and spine). So yes, I didn't have to cook or visit, but I have absolutely no memory of the Christmas of 2006 except for begging Mr. Blu to either take me to the Emergency Room, or kill me. Not recommended.

But VOILA! I succeeded in simplifying the Christmas of 2007. The only social Christmas event we went to was the boys' school Christmas pageant. We boycotted our company parties (and you know full well why - go to December 2006 archives). I planned our Christmas eve celebration (SIL went to China to visit nephew, thus no Christmas eve drama) and did not succumb or stress out when my father, who called 3 days before flying in from Panama, requested a major menu change for Christmas eve to serve his taste buds. I just said, "No. I have it all planned." and changed the subject. (Ok, I lied. I did stress and bitched for at least 2 hours off and on to Mr. Blu about the selfishness that is my father. Then promptly went out and bought a nice bottle of single malt scotch to make up for my rigidity. Ply Don Abuelo with liquor and he is happy. I am such an enabler.)

Told Mrs. Cousin during their visit this summer that we would not exchange gifts but instead give money to charity. Gave the old "voluntary simplicity" speech to make myself sound holier that thou in order to make sure that she complied.

Boys, for some reason, only asked for one thing each for Christmas. Yeah! Got those items, and then my standard book and pajamas gifts.

Cooked up a storm, but horror of all horrors, purchased desserts. Christmas Eve was divine. Christmas day I put out a smorgasbord of food out on the dining room table and let everyone graze. I did not get out of my pajamas all day.

I actually took time off of work to do nothing.

And I am letting the boys play Xbox until their fingers become paralyzed by overuse, knowing full well that electronic media ban goes into full effect on January 7th.

I am an Internet surfing, movie watching, magazine flipping and book reading whore until the 7th.

I removed all decorations from the home on January 1st. That was the extent of any organization. I am not cleaning out closets, cupboards or bureaus. I am resting. I am relaxing. I am a slacker. And I am loving it.

posted by Blu @ 1:06 PM 0 comments

Out with the old, in with the new

I am loyal, fiercely loyal. I forgive easily and see people as human...full of faults...with the wish to be better.

My best friend and I went through a horrible phase toward the end of our college experience. She was not so nice and I was just selfish. We parted ways and came back to each other, each stronger from the experience.

Mr. Blu and I have had our marital troubles in the past where both of us were not so innocent whatsoever. And we worked hard, worked it through, and are together to this day. Sure, there are times when I think he is a ridiculous prat and I would like nothing more to be swept away or obsessed by someone such as Ralph Fiennes character in The English Patient, but that I because I am female and a romantic.

Now, I am not a masochist, choosing to stay in a situation because of loyalty. I will give it my all, but it takes two to create a beautiful relationship.

That being said, I am moving on. Leaving my company.

Yes, I was offered the job from my earlier post. I am not going to give details yet, as I do not have a written offer. But, last week, I turned down the job, and they came back giving me the hours I want (East Coast time). They know my salary requirements and that I will not budge from what I deserve. I should have the formal offer by early next week.

Yesterday, after having a few days of anxiety over having to give my notice, I was struck dumb by the amount of ineptitude that resides in my CEO's being.

To sum it up: Don't blame my marketing materials on why your sales team is not selling our product. Perhaps your pricing is out of line. Perhaps your sales team is not doing their due diligence to understand the needs of their prospects. I have created everything you asked and then some, with complete professionalism, and have elevated the company publicly completely on my own.

Don't you dare bring my work down into your abyss of dysfunction.

You, my friend, just helped me to sign my soon-to-come written offer without one ounce of remorse.

posted by Blu @ 9:53 AM 1 comments